When you get married the second, third, fourth, fifth - well really any time after the first you will find yourself in the unique position of being the 2nd wife, or at least not the first. If there are children his first wife will always be a part of your life. Being the second wife to my husband there is part of me that wants to throw a temper tantrum when I don't get my way, and yes, you read this right - tantrum. A full blow on the floor, screaming, kicking, red face, fists flying tantrum. Luckily for me, and for my husband, that side of my brain actually did grow up and it tells me to breathe, un-clench my fist, and to use my inside voice.
It is then, and only then, that I remember his ex-wife is a variable in our new life together. She is someone whose opinion does count, she has a place in our family, and at the end of the day she may be a complete stranger. About 3 months after my husband and I got engaged he was set to travel. Normally we would have the kids one night a week and every other weekend. On the occasion he travels over a weekend we would normally have his children his ex-wife has put her foot down and said "NO". At first I was taken aback. Am I not responsible? She doesn't like me? How dare she ...! etc. etc. It was my own personal pity party. Then something she said to my husband shocked me back into reality. She said, "I am not going to leave my children with a complete stranger!" She had other choice things to say but that is irrelevant to my point. It was this single statement that made me realize that while I was not a stranger to the girls, not a stranger to their teachers, or many of their friends, I had never interacted or really even seen her. She was right. I was in fact a complete stranger.
Having been truly humbled by her statement I extended an invite to her to come see the house, meet my son, meet me, to get to know each other better. I thought with my husband out of town this would be a perfect opportunity as they would not have to deal with the awkwardness of being face to face. While I did not have high hopes we would become best friends, I had hoped we could become acquaintances who could talk when necessary to create stability and consistency between our two homes for the kids. I thought this was a brilliant idea. I was excited to be able to help build a bridge for our girls and create harmony where strife had only existed before. After sending my husbands ex-wife a note inviting over I was certain the olive branch I extended would be accepted. I was crushed when my offer was declined. I kept trying and keep trying.
It would be so easy to spit fire and venom. It would be easy to make things difficult, but where would that leave me? What kind of example would it send to my children? I may not like some of the parts of being a second wife but the reality of it is I can never replace, nor would I ever want to replace, the girls mother. I realize I am important to the girls but their mother is their mother and until she decides to not be a stranger I will remain as such.
For all of you 2nd wives out there who are dealing with a first wife, be patient, be slow to anger - quick to forgive, and remember you are a perfect stranger to this person who is entrusting the most precious piece of her heart to you. She may be his ex-wife but she will be the mother of his children for life.
It is then, and only then, that I remember his ex-wife is a variable in our new life together. She is someone whose opinion does count, she has a place in our family, and at the end of the day she may be a complete stranger. About 3 months after my husband and I got engaged he was set to travel. Normally we would have the kids one night a week and every other weekend. On the occasion he travels over a weekend we would normally have his children his ex-wife has put her foot down and said "NO". At first I was taken aback. Am I not responsible? She doesn't like me? How dare she ...! etc. etc. It was my own personal pity party. Then something she said to my husband shocked me back into reality. She said, "I am not going to leave my children with a complete stranger!" She had other choice things to say but that is irrelevant to my point. It was this single statement that made me realize that while I was not a stranger to the girls, not a stranger to their teachers, or many of their friends, I had never interacted or really even seen her. She was right. I was in fact a complete stranger.
Having been truly humbled by her statement I extended an invite to her to come see the house, meet my son, meet me, to get to know each other better. I thought with my husband out of town this would be a perfect opportunity as they would not have to deal with the awkwardness of being face to face. While I did not have high hopes we would become best friends, I had hoped we could become acquaintances who could talk when necessary to create stability and consistency between our two homes for the kids. I thought this was a brilliant idea. I was excited to be able to help build a bridge for our girls and create harmony where strife had only existed before. After sending my husbands ex-wife a note inviting over I was certain the olive branch I extended would be accepted. I was crushed when my offer was declined. I kept trying and keep trying.
It would be so easy to spit fire and venom. It would be easy to make things difficult, but where would that leave me? What kind of example would it send to my children? I may not like some of the parts of being a second wife but the reality of it is I can never replace, nor would I ever want to replace, the girls mother. I realize I am important to the girls but their mother is their mother and until she decides to not be a stranger I will remain as such.
For all of you 2nd wives out there who are dealing with a first wife, be patient, be slow to anger - quick to forgive, and remember you are a perfect stranger to this person who is entrusting the most precious piece of her heart to you. She may be his ex-wife but she will be the mother of his children for life.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.