I am divorced, as is my husband, and blending families can be a very tricky venture at best. It involves patience, understanding, love, kindness, and being able to deal with the "other" woman, or man, in your spouses life.
For those of you who don't know my mother is a cancer survivor. She survived not only the initial diagnoses, a mastectomy, a recurrence, another recurrence, a bone marrow transplant but also raising teenagers throughout the entire thing. Survivor doesn't seem to quite capture the level of personal strength this must have taken, but it is the best I could come up with. While my parents are not divorced, during this time of our lives my Dad did have to deal with "the other woman" in my mother's life - my Grandma. Grandma Jackie came to live with us while Mom was sick. She not only helped out with normal daily activities like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. but also with caring for Mom, Dad, my sister and I. I often think of, and am amazed by, what Grandma, Dad, and Mom had to give to us, to each other, and to themselves to survive this experience in tact. I'm sure there were times Grandma wanted to tie us all up and lock us in the closet for a few moments of peace and quiet. I'm sure Dad wished he could have locked himself in a shed out back for a few days. And I am most certain my mother wished she had, had Harry Potter's disappearing cape to throw at us to make all of us disappear and leave her alone for a little while. Yet through all the ups, downs, arounds, and sideways we went through as a family unit we survived. We learned the sum total strength of all of us together helped all of us become cancer survivors, not just my Mom. I think divorce is very similar in that it takes the sum total of everyone's strengths and contributions to make it work.
While I believe my husband and I have done a great job of blending our families together - the children truly love each other. The kids equally respect and love their respective step-parents and similarly their is mutual love for their respective "step" grandparents, and even great grandparents - we have not been as successful at helping our entire family become divorce survivors. A huge lesson learned from my divorce is that divorce is the dissolution of the marriage between two people, two adults, and that parenting is about parent(s) who love their child(ren) and are committed to engage and guide them through life. It is forever and often times has nothing to do with marriage, nor is it dependent on it.
Luckily the relationship my ex-husband and I have is very amiable. We talk about our new relationships, our step children, how each others families are doing, and are friendly, kind, and respectful in all our interactions. I have to say I am proud of the way we have conducted ourselves. Unfortunately, this is not true in all cases and I have been struggling to deal with my husband's ex-wife. We are very, very different people. She is tall and thin. I am short and not so thin. She has long hair, I have shorter hair. I drive an SUV, she drives a hybrid. She can sing, I couldn't if I tried. She is shy, I have never known a stranger. We are polar opposites. Our differences have made life challenging at best.
I have what I call "COMO SE' WHAT?" moments with her. The english translation would be "SERIOUSLY?". Last fall she told my husband and I to quit baking with the girls because they were putting on weight and becoming self - aware of how flabby they were becoming (can you feel my eye roll). As a side note, I love to bake. I find it relaxing and it is the only way I can keep out all the chemical crap from the foods my kids eat and have control over how much sugar and fat really goes into what they eat. Anyways, on with the story. Over the holidays we went to visit my parents, and my husband's mother and Grandmother. The girls were to be dropped off at our house right around lunch time the day we flew out. My husband left a message for his ex-wife requesting that she please make sure the kids had something to eat because we had already eaten and had cleaned out the fridge and therefore did not have anything of great consequence to eat at our house. Her response was that the girls had, had a late breakfast and should be fine. The girls were dropped off, we left for the airport, and got checked in.
By the time we make it down to the gate about an hour and a half has passed and almost on queue our youngest daughter says, "DAAAADDDDDYYYY I'm hungry". My husband responds, "Mom said you ate a late breakfast just before you were dropped off". Lovely says, "Yeah but I didn't eat much". So our middle daughter and I walked down to get something for everyone to eat because all the kids were hungry. As we were walking down I asked Sweet Pea what they had for breakfast. She said, "Chocolate cake and sausage". I almost couldn't control my "laughstration" (that is a laugh and frustration all in one). Then she says, "It wasn't very good but I didn't want to hurt mom's feelings so I ate it anyways". This coming from the child who also told me once she was starving because they had mini donuts for breakfast and she only got one. Perhaps my husbands ex-wife prescribes to the Bill Cosby parenting philosophy on nutrition. Cake = eggs+milk+wheat, NUTRITIOUS!
After relaying this story to my parents, and laughing about the humor life can bring I realized, that my scrunched nose, rolling eyes, heavy sighs, and neutral attitude towards my husbands ex-wife wasn't putting our children first but rather my own frustrations. I wasn't truly blending our entire family, as I had not been including, but rather excluding, the girls mother. I realized that I don't have to be friends with her, but rather come to a place where I can appreciate what "the other woman" in my husband's life brings to the lives of our children, this is perhaps the best resolution I can make in this new year. It is one small step towards helping all of us become divorce survivors and one large step closer to becoming my father. Oh the irony!
Putting family first is just another way I am becoming my parents.
For those of you who don't know my mother is a cancer survivor. She survived not only the initial diagnoses, a mastectomy, a recurrence, another recurrence, a bone marrow transplant but also raising teenagers throughout the entire thing. Survivor doesn't seem to quite capture the level of personal strength this must have taken, but it is the best I could come up with. While my parents are not divorced, during this time of our lives my Dad did have to deal with "the other woman" in my mother's life - my Grandma. Grandma Jackie came to live with us while Mom was sick. She not only helped out with normal daily activities like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. but also with caring for Mom, Dad, my sister and I. I often think of, and am amazed by, what Grandma, Dad, and Mom had to give to us, to each other, and to themselves to survive this experience in tact. I'm sure there were times Grandma wanted to tie us all up and lock us in the closet for a few moments of peace and quiet. I'm sure Dad wished he could have locked himself in a shed out back for a few days. And I am most certain my mother wished she had, had Harry Potter's disappearing cape to throw at us to make all of us disappear and leave her alone for a little while. Yet through all the ups, downs, arounds, and sideways we went through as a family unit we survived. We learned the sum total strength of all of us together helped all of us become cancer survivors, not just my Mom. I think divorce is very similar in that it takes the sum total of everyone's strengths and contributions to make it work.
While I believe my husband and I have done a great job of blending our families together - the children truly love each other. The kids equally respect and love their respective step-parents and similarly their is mutual love for their respective "step" grandparents, and even great grandparents - we have not been as successful at helping our entire family become divorce survivors. A huge lesson learned from my divorce is that divorce is the dissolution of the marriage between two people, two adults, and that parenting is about parent(s) who love their child(ren) and are committed to engage and guide them through life. It is forever and often times has nothing to do with marriage, nor is it dependent on it.
Luckily the relationship my ex-husband and I have is very amiable. We talk about our new relationships, our step children, how each others families are doing, and are friendly, kind, and respectful in all our interactions. I have to say I am proud of the way we have conducted ourselves. Unfortunately, this is not true in all cases and I have been struggling to deal with my husband's ex-wife. We are very, very different people. She is tall and thin. I am short and not so thin. She has long hair, I have shorter hair. I drive an SUV, she drives a hybrid. She can sing, I couldn't if I tried. She is shy, I have never known a stranger. We are polar opposites. Our differences have made life challenging at best.
I have what I call "COMO SE' WHAT?" moments with her. The english translation would be "SERIOUSLY?". Last fall she told my husband and I to quit baking with the girls because they were putting on weight and becoming self - aware of how flabby they were becoming (can you feel my eye roll). As a side note, I love to bake. I find it relaxing and it is the only way I can keep out all the chemical crap from the foods my kids eat and have control over how much sugar and fat really goes into what they eat. Anyways, on with the story. Over the holidays we went to visit my parents, and my husband's mother and Grandmother. The girls were to be dropped off at our house right around lunch time the day we flew out. My husband left a message for his ex-wife requesting that she please make sure the kids had something to eat because we had already eaten and had cleaned out the fridge and therefore did not have anything of great consequence to eat at our house. Her response was that the girls had, had a late breakfast and should be fine. The girls were dropped off, we left for the airport, and got checked in.
By the time we make it down to the gate about an hour and a half has passed and almost on queue our youngest daughter says, "DAAAADDDDDYYYY I'm hungry". My husband responds, "Mom said you ate a late breakfast just before you were dropped off". Lovely says, "Yeah but I didn't eat much". So our middle daughter and I walked down to get something for everyone to eat because all the kids were hungry. As we were walking down I asked Sweet Pea what they had for breakfast. She said, "Chocolate cake and sausage". I almost couldn't control my "laughstration" (that is a laugh and frustration all in one). Then she says, "It wasn't very good but I didn't want to hurt mom's feelings so I ate it anyways". This coming from the child who also told me once she was starving because they had mini donuts for breakfast and she only got one. Perhaps my husbands ex-wife prescribes to the Bill Cosby parenting philosophy on nutrition. Cake = eggs+milk+wheat, NUTRITIOUS!
After relaying this story to my parents, and laughing about the humor life can bring I realized, that my scrunched nose, rolling eyes, heavy sighs, and neutral attitude towards my husbands ex-wife wasn't putting our children first but rather my own frustrations. I wasn't truly blending our entire family, as I had not been including, but rather excluding, the girls mother. I realized that I don't have to be friends with her, but rather come to a place where I can appreciate what "the other woman" in my husband's life brings to the lives of our children, this is perhaps the best resolution I can make in this new year. It is one small step towards helping all of us become divorce survivors and one large step closer to becoming my father. Oh the irony!
Putting family first is just another way I am becoming my parents.
