A girlfriend of mine once said, "My Mama loved to hate my Dad, more than she loved her children". What she meant by this is that when her mother and father divorced, her mother seemed to almost enjoy trying to hurt her father by making him feel like a second class citizen in front of and through their children. My girlfriends mother didn't care that putting her children in the middle would cost her their relationship as they grew into adults. This may sound harsh and a bit surreal but I assure you it happens more often than we think.
I cannot understand loving anything more than my children. I absolutely cannot understand hating someone more than I love my children, yet time and time again you see couples at odds because their marriage ended who are unable to co-parent because one or the other can't look past their own anger, disappointment, or fear to put their children first. Putting their children in the position of feeling like they have to chose a side, when there is no side to be chosen.
My ex-husband and I tried for 3 years to conceive a child. We spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to become parents. For us becoming parents was a choice, a well thought through, planned, no surprises kinda deal and after all our sacrifices to become parents we were not going to let anything come before our son, not even the bitter feelings of divorce. I don't mean to suggest that we were all buddy, buddy or that there weren't tears or hurt feelings - believe me, there were. What I do mean to say is making sure our son felt loved unconditionally, knew that we were still a family (despite not being married), and that he would never have to choose between us became our priority. Learning how to forgive because a necessity.
I am happy to say my son now has his Father's side of the family, which includes his girlfriend and her daughter, and my side of the family which includes my husband, his daughters, and his extended family. Our family just grew exponentially turning an only child with one Aunt on either side into a brother, a nephew, a cousin, a grandson, and into one very happy little boy. Being divorced means you are not married, it does not necessarily mean you are not family. When you have children you will always be connected to your ex-spouse. It may take time but once you understand that when you berate or negate your ex-spouses role in your child's life, you negate half of who your child is. No child should have to feel less than whole. You are still family, you are part of your child's family.
My Grandfather once told his children, "No one of you is greater than the sum total of you. We are family". While Grandpa was referring to siblings, I believe the same holds true regarding children affected by divorce. No single side of the family is better than the sum total of the whole family. It is then, and only then, that our children can be proud of who they are - ALL OF who they are.
My Grandfather once told his children, "No one of you is greater than the sum total of you. We are family". While Grandpa was referring to siblings, I believe the same holds true regarding children affected by divorce. No single side of the family is better than the sum total of the whole family. It is then, and only then, that our children can be proud of who they are - ALL OF who they are.
