Independent Woman

I have had a job my entire adult life.  From my mid twenties to my mid thirties I was what one might call a "corporate ladder climber".  My career came first and was only ahead of furthering my education to ensure I had the pedigree to continue to climb that proverbial ladder.  For many years I held a corporate career, was a wife, and a mother.  I was the primary income for my household and took great pride in what I had achieved.  Many people would look at my life and say I lived ideal life of the modern independent woman.

This past summer I had an interesting conversation with a close friend.  I was telling her that my husband and I decided to rearrange my schedule so I could be available to be home with our children after they were done with school.  My girlfriend looked at me and said, "Are you sure this is what you want?  To loose your independence?  To put your career on the back burner?"  At first I got riled up.  I kept thinking, she was right that I was giving up way too much to make this work.  I was part of the elite few who brought home a six figure salary before turning thirty and I was still under forty.  I was giving up my ability to be who I had worked so hard to be, independent! 

As the school year got closer, I became nervous.  I started to resent the choice I had made to rearrange my work schedule.  I felt panicked and started to plan out how I would tell my husband that this wasn't what I had wanted and we would have to put the kids into after school care.  I was dreading this conversation as I knew we had already discussed this in depth and decided it was the right choice as we both feel our priorities should be God, spouse, children, parents, family .... everything else, including my career.  

Before I realized it the school year had started and I had not had the conversation about reducing my work schedule with my husband.  I don't know if it was nerves, or anxiety, or what but I never found quite the right moment to disappoint my husband.  The first day I was scheduled to pick up the kids I found myself watching the clock.  2:15, 2:16, 2:17 ..... 2:30 ... ugh I have to go leave or I will be late.  Driving to the girls school I found myself praying to God to give me the patience to deal with snack time, homework questions, crazy noises, silly songs, and the "what's for dinner" borage.  I sat in the parking lot watching my ipad waiting for the kids to arrive.  The first one out of the door was our Lovely Lindsey Lu.  She ran to the car, all smiles and excited to be going home and not to after school care.  Next followed our teenage daughter Brea and she was VERY happy not to be going to after school care.  Niki was the last girl to arrive and she easy going but was happy to be able to get home for a snack.  We drove to their brothers school to pick him up and he was so excited to see his sisters he squealed with delight!  He jumped all the way to the car with excitement.  

At home everyone was excited to tell me about their day.  What they had learned, what their friends had done over the summer, how much they liked their teachers, and what they were doing with their friends this year.  Snack time came and went without a fuss.  I made dinner while the kids did their homework and asked me questions about their homework.  What I had thought would be overwhelming and awful turned out to be one of the most rewarding and wonderful days.

That night after I tucked Thomas into bed and the girls went home to their mother's house I started to realize. The dictionary defines independence as "not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc., thinking or acting for oneself. Not dependent or contingent upon something else for existence".  To me this had meant I needed to be able to do it all on my own.  What I have come to realize is that true independence doesn't mean doing it all in spite of it all. Translation: by not working and focusing on my career I would lose my identity as an individual but rather that true independence is the ability to choose which one you want to do based on your guiding principals, your personal tenants, your morals and values.

It is in this time I realized that whether you work outside the home, or at home, you are contributing to the greater good of the world.  It is when the choice is taken away from us that we loose our independence.  Although my priorities had recently been refocused on my children and family, I was still independent, what I had learned to do was to be a good partner, a good team player.  In this I truly am becoming like my parents.

Mother T2

As I have grown into the person I am today one of the things my heart has been committed to is trying to always do what is right and what is kind, which isn't always the easiest most enjoyable route.  Especially when you have my parents who are good to the core.  My Father often refers to my Mother as Mother Teresa 2.  While he is being a bit cheeky when he says this, there is much truth to his loving nickname for my Mom.  

When I think of my Mother I think of the following quote from Mother Teresa, the original:

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” ― Mother Teresa

Until this week the words were just that, words said by a tremendously great woman.  In the same way my Mother lives her life always seemed aspirational but not real.  How can anyone live their life and truly care about each person they encounter?  To me both seemed lofty, dreamy, and beautiful but virtually impossible to live.

I have always been hesitant to get involved at our girls school.  The school is an ELS Lutheran school and I am a devout Roman Catholic. It is connected directly with the church their mother still attends and I have always felt it would make the girls, their mother, and honestly, myself, feel very uncomfortable if I were to get involved.  For these and many other reasons the idea of actively involving myself in the girls school would present more problems than answers, so I kept to myself and contributed from afar.  

This year our Lovely Lindsey Lu started 3rd grade.  She loves to go to school, to be engaged in learning, to see her friends, and to do well.  Her class needed volunteers to help with their literature hour.  She asked my husband if he would volunteer to help and given his schedule at work it is almost impossible.  He did direct her to ask me.  When you have those beautiful blue eyes looking up at you, wanting so badly for you to say "YES", how can you say no?  So I said yes.

The first Friday I volunteered Lindsey Lu was so happy to see me it brought tears to my eyes.  She was excited to have one of her people there.  I forget how much it means to kids when their parents take the time to volunteer and get involved.  At the end of the hour I spent helping the class work through their reading books Lindsey gave me the biggest hug.  It was the kind of hug that communicates how much a child loves you without using a single word.  It was the kind of hug a parent never forgets.  It is the kind of hug memories are made of.  After the session I met the other mom who had volunteered with me for coffee so we could work out a schedule.  We shared normal chit chat and funny stories, but one thing she said will stick with me forever.  She said "the thing I really liked about you when I first met you was that you didn't speak badly about the girls mother when it would be so easy to do".  It was the first time I recognized myself as living the words of Mother Teresa "If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway".

The following week I sent out our annual "Summer Fun" cards to our family.  It is a greeting card, just like a Christmas card, filled with photos of our kids having fun at the lake and enjoying the warm weather and sunshine.  Whenever I send out cards I always send a card to the girls Mother, to their maternal Grandparents, and to their Aunt and Uncle.  I used to imagine they got tossed out or were more of a nuisance than a welcome piece of mail, but I kept sending them out because the idea behind them is to keep family updated on the kids.  And since the girls Mother, her parents and siblings are part of their family, they all make the mailing list.  

I went to the mailbox on Wednesday and much to my surprise there was a card from the girls maternal Grandmother.  As I walked to the house terrible thoughts ran through my head.  Was she going to be asking me to stop sending them mail.  Was going to she tell me to back off and quit being such a goody two shoes?  Was she going to give me a piece of her mind?  All made me feel sick to my stomach.  My heart sank.  What had been done with the best of intentions was perhaps not received as such.As I opened the envelope my heart was racing.  I was surprised to read such a loving message.  She was ever so appreciative for the cards and pictures we had sent.  My heart smiled and my soul rejoiced.  This card, this little piece of paper with black ink on it, spoke more to my spirit than to my head.  It reminded me that choosing to look beyond being a step-parent and just being a parent was the right choice.  And while it wasn't easy to get my head and heart around the idea of the girls maternal family being part of our family.  In receiving this card from my husband's ex-wife's mother I realized that I was living the dream of emulating my Mother's kind heart through the instructive words of Mother Teresa, "The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway".  It finally became clear to me that accepting their place in our family was not only the right thing to do, but it was  possible to be kind without recognition or reward.  

Doing what is right and being kind is a conscious choice we make.  It is often easier to be mean.  To tease someone.  To use our jealousy or anger to justify speaking badly about others.   To ignore the parts we wish would go away.  It is in choosing to do what is right and what is kind, even if it isn't the easier route, that I am truly becoming my parents.