Tug-O-War

A girlfriend of mine once said, "My Mama loved to hate my Dad, more than she loved her children".  What she meant by this is that when her mother and father divorced, her mother seemed to almost enjoy trying to hurt her father by making him feel like a second class citizen in front of and through their children.  My girlfriends mother didn't care that putting her children in the middle would cost her their relationship as they grew into adults.  This may sound harsh and a bit surreal but I assure you it happens more often than we think.

I cannot understand loving anything more than my children.  I absolutely cannot understand hating someone more than I love my children, yet time and time again you see couples at odds because their marriage ended who are unable to co-parent because one or the other can't look past their own anger, disappointment, or fear to put their children first.  Putting their children in the position of feeling like they have to chose a side, when there is no side to be chosen.

My ex-husband and I tried for 3 years to conceive a child.  We spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to become parents.  For us becoming parents was a choice, a well thought through, planned, no surprises kinda deal and after all our sacrifices to become parents we were not going to let anything come before our son, not even the bitter feelings of divorce.  I don't mean to suggest that we were all buddy, buddy or that there weren't tears or hurt feelings - believe me, there were.  What I do mean to say is making sure our son felt loved unconditionally, knew that we were still a family (despite not being married), and that he would never have to choose between us became our priority.  Learning how to forgive because a necessity.

I am happy to say my son now has his Father's side of the family, which includes his girlfriend and her daughter, and my side of the family which includes my husband, his daughters, and his extended family. Our family just grew exponentially turning an only child with one Aunt on either side into a brother, a nephew, a cousin, a grandson, and into one very happy little boy.  Being divorced means you are not married, it does not necessarily mean you are not family.  When you have children you will always be connected to your ex-spouse.  It may take time but once you understand that when you berate or negate your ex-spouses role in your child's life, you negate half of who your child is.  No child should have to feel less than whole.  You are still family, you are part of your child's family.

My Grandfather once told his children, "No one of you is greater than the sum total of you.  We are family".  While Grandpa was referring to siblings, I believe the same holds true regarding children affected by divorce.  No single side of the family is better than the sum total of the whole family.  It is then, and only then, that our children can be proud of who they are - ALL OF who they are.

Do you always need your ears to listen?

Do you ever sit back and wonder, "Did my child just hear me, or just nod their head as an involuntary reaction?  Did they understand what I was saying?  Can they really hear me through doors, headphones, and video games?".  Growing up I'm sure my parents asked themselves that more often than not.  I'm sure they wondered if I was the only child on earth who truly had been born with an on/off switch.  Only it was not for my mouth but for my ears.  There were many times my parents would tell me to do one thing and I would do exactly the opposite.  They would ask if I had done my chores and I would respond with, "I didn't know you had asked me" or I couldn't hear you - to which my father would respond, "Then turn the music down" or my Mom would say, "look at me when I'm talking to you".

Our four beautiful blessings are not too dissimilar.  If they are listening to music with their headphones on they will look at us with smiley eyes but not hear a word we are saying, then shout at us, "HUH?".  To which we respond "TAKE THE HEADPHONES OFF!!!!".  They will try to have conversations with us through closed doors.

• Me:  " please come here"
• Child from second story of house with a closed door, "WHAAAT?"
• Me:  "Please come here"
• Child:  "I can't hear you, no I don't want broccoli"
• Me:  "No please come here and talk to me"
• Husband: " COME DOWN HERE AND TALK TO US FACE TO FACE"
• Child running down the stairs: "What Dad I can't hear you"

The best was when our oldest daughter was eating wheat thins in bed for breakfast.  I asked her when I had ever let them eat wheat thins for breakfast and in bed no less?  She said, not ever but you didn't ever say we couldn't.  If I hadn't been trying to make a point I would have laughed.  Instead I told her to go put them away and to get some "real food" not snack food for breakfast and to sit at the table to eat it.

But just as my husband and I think we need to repeat ourselves and raise our voice to ensure they have heard through the door, or headphones, or hair dryer, we are surprised by the grace of their souls.  

Fall is a busy birthday time for our household.  We have at least one birthday or major holiday every month .  This year when we asked our kids what they wanted for their birthdays we were prepared for things like, "I want a pony", "I want a new star wars gun", "I want a new wardrobe and only if it has real UGGs and clothes from Hollister"  And I thought for sure someone would ask for a puppy or a new cat to replace the one we have that they don't really like.

The responses we got were sincere, and amazingly face to face.  Our middle daughter chose to go do something special with her Dad versus a big friends party.  She wanted to make sure we had a family party with all of her cousins and didn't care if we had anything other than my homemade cheesecake.   Our oldest daughter wanted to verify first that we would have a family party, because if not she would rather have a family party, than a friends party or gifts.  She also wanted to make sure her sisters and younger brother could come to the friends party.  Our son is having his first friends party but wants his big sisters, his cousins, and his Grandpa to be there (Dad how do you feel about trampolines?).  And both he and his oldest sister are happily sharing a single family party.  They thought it would be cool and perhaps they would get a double does of Moms homemade cake.  Our youngest daughter wants a friends party but told us she didn't want any dolls or toys.  She asked if she could have tickets for all of us to go see her Grandmas and Grandpa in Arizona as her gift.

What truly surprised me was when the children each individually told us they would give up their Christmas gifts to go spend time with their Grandparents in Arizona.  They wanted to know if they could again "pimp out" Grandpa's golf cart with every left over shiny ornament from Christmas, a favorite annual activity for my children, not my Father.  If Grandma Sally would make fried cornmeal mush and bacon.  And if Grandma Soukup was going to take them to Zoolights again.  

I guess what the experts say is true, our children know more at a younger age than we ever did.  It only took our kids a fraction of the time to learn how to listen with their heart, even if their ears are completely turned off, or covered with headphones.

In this case I am not like my parents.  I get to experience what they had to wait almost 30 years for, children who listen to their heart first and everything else second.

Words Can Be So Powerful

Every once in a while the world opens up and slaps you upside the head with a big dose of karma that makes you stand up and take notice.  My 5 year old son T, is an amazing little boy.  He is cute, funny, and very very sweet.  He was standing at the top of the stairs with his eldest sister ignoring my request to finish up getting ready for bed and to get into bed.  Funny how they can instantly become hard of hearing.  T stood at the top of the stairs with a big smile and arms wide open said, "OH SHIT".  He was happy as could be.  As we had seen his sisters play at school earlier in the day and it was a pirate play I asked him, "Did you just say My Ship".  He said, "No Mama. I said OOOHHHH SHHHIIIITTTT".  Spiders and rats ... I had heard correctly.  WHAT THE?  I could feel the warm heat of panic rush up into my face.  What to do? What to do?

Finally I said, "Sweetie that is not a good word to use.  It is bad and even adults shouldn't use it.  Where did you hear that?"  He said, "I don't know. Sorry Mommy".  Just then my daughter who had been snooping and trying to make herself look inconspicuous by playing with the tweezers in the slots of the fan hit the blades of the fan sending plastic flying and making the loudest CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH you ever heard.  It sounded like someone was squishing a plastic grocery bag into a bullhorn.  Loud and ear piercing.  My husband came running out of our bedroom "What the H@%% is going on out here, OH S$%#@#$$$%####"

My son looks at my husband and says, "We're not supposed to use that word.  Right Mama, Right?"   My poor husband was so distraught at the idea that something might have flow up and hit one of us that he hadn't realized what his words were or who his audience was.  Bless his heart T says, "Mama S said that bad word we're not supposed to say.  Are you sure it's a bad word?"  I answered his question with the "MOM LOOK" that communicates "GET YOUR REAR IN BED BEFORE I ....".

We laid on his bed, read his bedtime story, and as I kissed him good-night my beautiful son says, "Mommy I love you".  I tell him "I love you too Monkey".  He says, "And Mommy tomorrow I promise to not say sh&#.  Okay Mommy?"

My eyes make their way to the top of the room communicating "Why Lord?  Why have you blessed me with such a smart little boy who knows just how to get the last word?"  The Lord answered back, "Because I was kind enough to bless your parents such a smart little girl who always got the last word".

I sigh and think, "Yep I have become my parents".  

No Pain, No Gain

This has been an exciting year of change and adjustment and it is only March.  In December I was laid off from my job as the Global Process Improvement leader at ADC.  While at first one might think PANIC! or FRUSTRATION!  I looked forward to having the time off during the holidays and figured I would casually search for a job during that time.  The holidays came and went and as I spent more time shuttling children and there friends to and from basketball games, swimming lessons, and drama my job search turned from slow to almost non-existant.  I picked it up a little as we moved into February but in almost every interview I found myself over qualified or not a right fit for the skillset they were looking for.  As finding a new job became more difficult I found throwing myself into being a Mom much easier.  Who knew I would ever in my life think about giving up my career for staying at home and taking care of my kids and my husband.  Yet here I am.  At home.  Helping with homework.  Making snacks.  Picking up and dropping off.  Hosting slumber parties, and focusing on keeping the house running as smooth as possible.  I have seriously become my mother.

It is, however, amazing how life gives you what you need, not necessarily what you think you need.  I would have never willingly quit working at such a frantic pace.  I would have pushed myself to be successful at my career and at home, yet home would always lose out to work demands.  As time passes by each day I have the luxury of waking up and making breakfast for my husband and children.  Packing lunches.  Brushing hair.  Kissing everyone good bye and wishing them a safe and joy filled day.  I find myself defining success much differently.  It does not include counting the number of zeros in my paycheck, or how many people I manage, or countries I travel for work.  It is defined by the smiles on my children's faces when they get the answer to a word problem correct.  The happiness in their eyes when they get an A on a test or read through a new book (as Lovely recently did on her own!).  It is being able to pick them up from school and hear how their days went and praising their successes and hugging them through their losses.  

Our daughters Sweetpea and Lovely are in drama.  Sweetpea was a Lady in waiting in Rumplstiltskin and Lovely was Snow White in ... Snow White.  Both did great and both are naturals on the stage.  Who knew I would get more joy and fulfillment out of the two 30 minute performances than my entire career.  T is taking swimming lessons and watching his little arms and legs try to adjust to staying straight while you pull yourself through the water is fantastic.  He is so proud of himself and can't wait to get back up to the lake this summer.  BB is becoming a beautiful young woman but like every teenager she is finding time with her friends to be more fun than spending time with her siblings or parents.  Yet there are those rare moments when she will come into my bedroom and lay next to me on the bed and just snuggle and talk.  Those moments are more fulfilling than any size pay check any day of the week.  

Yes, indeed.  I have become my mother.  Isn't it awesome!

The other woman ...

I am divorced, as is my husband, and blending families can be a very tricky venture at best.  It involves patience, understanding, love, kindness, and being able to deal with the "other" woman, or man, in your spouses life.

For those of you who don't know my mother is a cancer survivor.  She survived not only the initial diagnoses, a mastectomy, a recurrence, another recurrence, a bone marrow transplant but also raising teenagers throughout the entire thing.  Survivor doesn't seem to quite capture the level of personal strength this must have taken, but it is the best I could come up with.  While my parents are not divorced, during this time of our lives my Dad did have to deal with "the other woman" in my mother's life - my Grandma.  Grandma Jackie came to live with us while Mom was sick.  She not only helped out with normal daily activities like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. but also with caring for Mom, Dad, my sister and I.  I often think of, and am amazed by, what Grandma, Dad, and Mom had to give to us, to each other, and to themselves to survive this experience in tact.  I'm sure there were times Grandma wanted to tie us all up and lock us in the closet for a few moments of peace and quiet.  I'm sure Dad wished he could have locked himself in a shed out back for a few days.  And I am most certain my mother wished she had, had Harry Potter's disappearing cape to throw at us to make all of us disappear and leave her alone for a little while.  Yet through all the ups, downs, arounds, and sideways we went through as a family unit we survived.  We learned the sum total strength of all of us together helped all of us become cancer survivors, not just my Mom.  I think divorce is very similar in that it takes the sum total of everyone's strengths and contributions to make it work.

While I believe my husband and I have done a great job of blending our families together - the children truly love each other.  The kids equally respect and love their respective step-parents and similarly their is mutual love for their respective "step" grandparents, and even great grandparents - we have not been as successful at helping our entire family become divorce survivors.  A huge lesson learned from my divorce is that divorce is the dissolution of the marriage between two people, two adults, and that parenting is about parent(s) who love their child(ren) and are committed to engage and guide them through life.  It is forever and often times has nothing to do with marriage, nor is it dependent on it.

Luckily the relationship my ex-husband and I have is very amiable.  We talk about our new relationships, our step children, how each others families are doing, and are friendly, kind, and respectful in all our interactions.  I have to say I am proud of the way we have conducted ourselves.  Unfortunately, this is not true in all cases and I have been struggling to deal with my husband's ex-wife.  We are very, very different people.  She is tall and thin.  I am short and not so thin.  She has long hair, I have shorter hair.  I drive an SUV, she drives a hybrid.  She can sing, I couldn't if I tried.  She is shy, I have never known a stranger.  We are polar opposites.  Our differences have made life challenging at best.

I have what I call "COMO SE' WHAT?" moments with her.  The english translation would be "SERIOUSLY?".  Last fall she told my husband and I to quit baking with the girls because they were putting on weight and becoming self - aware of how flabby they were becoming (can you feel my eye roll).  As a side note, I love to bake.  I find it relaxing and it is the only way I can keep out all the chemical crap from the foods my kids eat and have control over how much sugar and fat really goes into what they eat.  Anyways, on with the story.  Over the holidays we went to visit my parents, and my husband's mother and Grandmother.  The girls were to be dropped off at our house right around lunch time the day we flew out.  My husband left a message for his ex-wife requesting that she please make sure the kids had something to eat because we had already eaten and had cleaned out the fridge and therefore did not have anything of great consequence to eat at our house.  Her response was that the girls had, had a late breakfast and should be fine.  The girls were dropped off, we left  for the airport, and got checked in.

By the time we make it down to the gate about an hour and a half has passed and almost on queue our youngest daughter says, "DAAAADDDDDYYYY I'm hungry".  My husband responds, "Mom said you ate a late breakfast just before you were dropped off".  Lovely says, "Yeah but I didn't eat much".  So our middle daughter and I walked down to get something for everyone to eat because all the kids were hungry.  As we were walking down I asked Sweet Pea what they had for breakfast.  She said, "Chocolate cake and sausage".  I almost couldn't control my "laughstration" (that is a laugh and frustration all in one).  Then she says, "It wasn't very good but I didn't want to hurt mom's feelings so I ate it anyways".  This coming from the child who also told me once she was starving because they had mini donuts for breakfast and she only got one.  Perhaps my husbands ex-wife prescribes to the Bill Cosby parenting philosophy on nutrition.  Cake = eggs+milk+wheat, NUTRITIOUS!

After relaying this story to my parents, and laughing about the humor life can bring I realized, that my scrunched nose, rolling eyes, heavy sighs, and neutral attitude towards my husbands ex-wife wasn't putting our children first but rather my own frustrations.  I wasn't truly blending our entire family, as I had not been including, but rather excluding, the girls mother.  I realized that I don't have to be friends with her, but rather come to a place where I can appreciate what "the other woman" in my husband's life brings to the lives of our children, this is perhaps the best resolution I can make in this new year.  It is one small step towards helping all of us become divorce survivors and one large step closer to becoming my father.  Oh the irony!

Putting family first is just another way I am becoming my parents.