STEP-mom

I read this in an article on CNN while recently reading up on how to deal with teenagers - despite the fact that I was a difficult one - I am somewhat clueless in how to deal with our own.  The article talked about the pitfalls of step-parenting and I thought the first two paragraphs were right on the money, so I thought I would share them.  

"As far as hard jobs go, it's up there with air-traffic controller and crane operator. Stepmothers preside over a minefield of hidden hurts, half-concealed traditions and occasional tugs-of-war. Want the job?

It's been said that parenting is the toughest job in the world. Wrong. It's the second toughest: Stepparenting wins hands down. Right now, approximately half of all Americans live in a stepfamily, which means that every day, millions of women are subject to the taunt -- sometimes mournful, often angry --"You're not my mother!" (R.Rogers, Things A Step Mother Should Never Say, 2008).

I have been very blessed with the three girls that came into my life when I met their father.  I have been lucky enough to never have been on the receiving end of the dreaded "you're not my mother" statement.  I'm sure like all children and parents there is a certain amount of resentment and frustration that they feel with me and for me, especially when I am pointing out the fact that it is Sunday at 8:00p.m. and their homework, which they have had for the entire weekend, is still not done.  

Blending a family, I have discovered, is not to dissimilar from brain surgery.  You have to prepare, you have to know there will be things you didn't plan on or account for.  You have to be able to think on your toes and you have to be surrounded by people who will help.  You also have to realize that the slightest zig, when you should have zagged can be fatal.

When my husband and I decided we were going to blend our families and try to make things work we were very nervous.  We didn't know how the kids would react to each other, to each of us, and we didn't want to add to the stress and strain they already felt trying to navigate between two households, with two different sets of rules.  Early on my husband and I both decided that we would not let the kids from our respective previous marriages call us "mom" or "dad".  Both my son and his daughters had a "mother" and a "father".  Neither had died and both were still very involved in the kids lives.  Out of respect for their parents and for the children we instead opted to being referred to as a "parent" and letting the kids call us by our first names.

To some who are divorced, or not divorced, it may seem odd to be a parent, to be acting as the parental unit in charge of the well being of this gaggle of kids, and yet not want to be referred to such terms of position and endearment as "Mom" or "Dad".  Yet, I have found this has made the transition to our blended world easier.  It has helped keep the children from feeling as if one might replace the other.  And it has helped us have good conversations about their "parents".

I guess in the end my point is if you are a "STEP-parent" it doesn't mean you are any less of a parent, but your position in that child's life may take time to reveal itself.  You cannot force children to love or trust you.  You cannot demand they love you the way they love their parents.  Divorce is hardest on kids.  And although what a child calls their Father, or Mother's, new partner may seem trivial, it isn't.  Some can make it work, but many struggle.  It is a selfish and a huge mistake to let your children use titles like "Mom and Dad" in relationship to any step-parent if it in any way makes them uncomfortable or uneasy.  It is confusing to them at best, even if they are older children.  To be a good parent, Step or otherwise, means putting your children's needs first.  It is in this way, small though it may seem, that I am very much like my parents.